Addiction
by joshisgayy
Summary: *TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM* Liz has been hunting with Sam and Dean for a while now but little do they know about her battles with her inner demons. But when they do, life as Liz knew it starts to fade away. One thing leads to another and soon she finds herself in an inevitable situation. Dean/OC, Samandriel/OC
1. Chapter 1

I screwed up again. Everything went wrong because of me. Of course Sam and Dean kept saying that it wasn't my fault that the vampire got away. But deep down I know that I am to blame. It's like I can never do anything right; as if I'm some sort of bad luck magnet. But who am I kidding? The problem is in me; I am the problem. Everything about me is wrong. My weight, my looks, my height even my mind is twisted. The worst part is that I'm all alone in this. I don't have anyone to fall back to. My parents left me when I was a kid, no one in the orphanage ever liked me and Sam and Dean just feel bad for me; that's all. I looked around me. I was sitting in my room in the bunker, on my bed fiddling with a blade in my right hand; contemplating if I should do it or not.

This wasn't anything new to me. I've been self harming for a long time. Sam and Dean never noticed the scars or the fresh ones because I always did them in places well hidden. In fact, I'm sure that if they were to ever find out about this, they will be shocked. Mainly, because I'm just this happy-go-lucky, petite girl who is always laughing even at the darkest hour; always cheering everyone up. Making sure that they are happy because I know what its like to feel utterly sad and I don't want anyone I know to feel the way I do.

_Just one cut._

I thought to myself as I rolled my sleeve up; revealing my scarred wrist. Holding the blade unto my skin, I added pressure on the blade as I slid across my wrist. I gasped at the sharp pain that I was expecting. Then holding recently cut wrist by my left hand, I stared at the white line that was soon enveloped by crimson beads of blood. Oh, how good it felt. There was just this form of release; as I've been holding something back and it was all just gone with this one cut. But it wasn't enough. I wanted more. Just more and more cuts. So slashed another one next to the first cut; and another followed by another. By this time, I was like a cutting machine. My entire right arm was covered in cuts and it was throbbing all the way up. I have to admit that this is one hell of a relapse I've had in a while.

I took my handkerchief and rubbed of any trace of fresh blood on the cuts. I never liked washing my cuts right after cutting. After a few seconds the cuts started to stop bleeding except for one. It was the first cut that I did just now and surprisingly it was still bleeding. I must have gone quite deep with it. I placed my handkerchief on it, hoping that it would stop bleeding but it didn't. I then started to panic. I could try using salt but it is all the way in the kitchen and I would have to pass by Sam and Dean.

Knowing that I didn't have a choice, I wiped the blood off for one last time and pulled down my sleeve to cover it. My heart was racing because this is the first time that a cut have gone this long bleeding. Gulping I turned the knob and walked outside.

"See? I told you she wasn't asleep," Dean said to Sam.

They were both sitting at the table with their laptops opened.

"It's only ten, which 16 year old will be asleep at this time?" I said jokingly because I couldn't giveaway about what was really happening.

Sam smirked. "We've got a lead on that vampire. Better get some rest cause we're leaving early tomorrow," Sam advised.

"Dude, cut her some slack," Dean told Sam as he got up from his chair and walked towards me. Dean smiled. "I'm hungry too. Let me fix us something to eat."

Panicking, I walked even faster towards the kitchen. I pulled my sleeve which was already damp in blood. The cut looked even worse and it was still bleeding. Salt was definitely out of the picture. I needed a doctor.

"Liz, you okay?" Dean asked from behind.

I pulled my sleeve down and hid my left arm behind me. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" I lied with a smile.

"Because you're breathing quite heavily and that is definitely not normal," Dean said with his eyebrows furrowed.

"I-I just need some fresh air. Thought that I could go for a ride. Can I take her?" I asked quickly. There was no way that they were going to find out about my self harm addiction. All I have to do is get in the impala and got to the clinic to get this stitched up.

"Sure," Dean said hesitantly as he took his car keys out of his pocket and dangled them in front of me.

I walked towards him with my left hand still behind my back. I could feel the blood flowing very smoothly down my skin. As I neared Dean, I realized that my I was breathing incessantly. Then everything around me started to move like my brain was out of oxygen or something. I swayed a little as I took the keys.

Dean quickly held me by the shoulders. "Liz! Liz!" Dean yelled bringing me back to reality. "Goddamn it! You're bleeding!" He exclaimed.

I followed his eyes at the trail of blood behind me. I then ran as fast as I could from Dean's grip. I just had to get to the impala. But I got so dizzy. I saw a blurry image of Sam running towards me as I fell to the floor face down. He then turned me and I saw both Sam and Dean hovering over me.

At this point, I had my eyes closed and all I could hear was their muffled voices before I drifted away.


	2. Chapter 2

_Engines._

"_Stay with m, Liz! Just stay with me!"_

"_She's losing a lot of blood"_

"_I don't think she's gonna make it"_

Finally, I opened my eyes. After all the brief blackouts, I was blinded by the bright light. Blinking continuously, to stabilize my vision, I realized that I wasn't in my room, in the bunker. I was in a hospital. I looked around to find Sam and Dean with both their backs facing me.

"Dean, you saw the cuts yourself. She's been doing this to herself for a long time," Sam told Dean.

Dean shook his head. "But that's…that's not her," Dean said with a crack in his voice. "We're talking about suicide here. That isn't the Elizabeth I know."

That's when it all came back to me. The deep cut. The one that kept bleeding. Crap! They actually know about my cuts now! I bolted with that thought only to moan in pain as my bandaged wrist throbbed. Sam and Dean turned around and they both came running to me and helping me sit up. I didn't know what to do next. I never prepared myself for this because I never thought that anyone would ever find out. Thinking about what Dean said earlier made me feel even horrible about myself. The disappointment in his voice.

That's when Dean pulled me into a hug as he sat at the side of the hospital bed I was in; and Sam stroked my hair. We were like that for quite some time until Dean pulled out of the hug. He took my bandaged wrist and looked at it. The he looked at me and asked, "Why?" There was a lot of sadness in his voice and eyes.

I looked at him and then at Sam. But I just didn't know how to explain. Where do I start? That I've been cutting ever since I was 11? How do I tell them? Because I still can't show them the real broken me. I just can't. Maybe I can still play that happy little girl they knew. "You won't understand," I said blankly, pulling my bandaged wrist from Deans grip.

Sam pulled a chair nearer to my bed and sat on it. "Then tell us. Please Liz. We're here for you," Sam said.

I felt so bad for putting them through this. I tried to hold back my tears because I still didn't want cry in front of them. "I can't. I just can't," I said, holding those tears back.

Dean sighed and got off my bed. He placed his hands on his hip. In a blink of an eye, he turned around and threw the flower vase down; causing it to shatter. "You almost died Liz! You were freaking dying! And now you're still trying to cover things up?!"

Dean's words caused so much of pain. Even after what happened yesterday, the only thought that was running in my mind was to cut. I kept imagining the feeling of the stings it gave. Sam got up and walked towards Dean.

"Go home. Sleep, rest or do whatever you want to and only come back when you're calm," Sam said in a stern voice to Dean.

Dean clenched his jaw before storming off. All I did was curl into a tiny ball under the sheets and sob. I didn't want Sam to see me crying because I just couldn't let him see the real me; the weak one that I despise the most. Just then everything that ever happened to me started to playback; every mistake or hurting experience and the only thought running in my head was to die. Why couldn't I have died yesterday? I'd do that again if I had the chance to. Just kill me already. _I want to die! I want to die! I want to die! _I kept repeating that over and over again. Till I felt it. I felt the life being sucked out of me. I just couldn't breathe anymore. A wave of panic rushed over me as I felt it. I was dying.

**Thank you to those who followed and favourited this story; and for the review. I only wrote it because I just couldn't find any nice Supernatural selfharm fanfictions and seeing that there are people who actually like this story, then I guess I would continue. **


	3. Chapter 3

I opened my eyes to find myself still in the hospital. Realizing that the whole dying-thing was just a dream, made me feel relieved. Yes, I want to die but that's only because I can't live the way I want to. I sat up as I realized that Sam was just looking down at me. That's when Dean came running in.

"Sam! What's going on?!" he asked, out of breath; looking at me and back at Sam.

Sam gulped. "She was crying for a while and out of the blue the machine started beeping crazily and..and the doctor and nurses came running in…" He trailed off. " They say she's in a coma, Dean."

"What?!" both Dean and I asked.

What did he mean I was in a coma? I'm sitting right here; completely conscious.

Dean's face dropped; he looked so pale. "No that can't be. We just…I-I just talked to her," he stammered.

"What are you guys talking about? I'm right here," I said looking at them confusingly. What the hell were they crapping about?

Tears started to trickle down Sam's face as Dean walked closer to me. That's when I realized that his eyes weren't exactly on me. I followed his gaze and got the shock of my life. It was me; sleeping. How was that possible? I looked back at Sam and Dean. "Guys, I'm still here! Can you hear me?!" I screamed.

But there was no response.

I really was in a coma.

**Thank you once again for those who followed, favourite and reviewed. It really means a lot to me. I'll be updating quite often because I like how this story is going and I don't want to lose inspiration because that happens a lot XD.**


	4. Chapter 4

I feel so trapped; just standing and calling out to Sam and Dean but they just can't hear me. In fact, no one can hear me.

"We need Cas," Dean told Sam.

The mention of Cas brought some hope. Dean had his hands on his hips as he closed his eyes. "Cas, you there? I need you, man. Liz, needs you. Please," Dean prayed.

In seconds, Cas arrived in the room I was in. He had his usual blank face on but even he looked a little worried. "What happened?" he asked in his monotone voice as he walked towards my bed.

Dean licked his lips. "Long story. But Cas. You gotta bring her back, man. I know you can. Just like you did with Lisa all those years back. Just please fix her."

Cas nodded. He looked at Sam before coming even closer to me. Then he placed his fingers on my forehead. I've seen Cas do this on so many people when we're hunting or either one of us gets hurt. But if he is going to bring me back, I can't really imagine what its going to feel like. I mean I'm literally standing here; my spirit, soul or whatever its called. So what? Am I gonna be sucked into my body or something? I just stood there, waiting for Cas to do his mojo; but nothing happened.

Cas furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Sam and Dean. "I'll try again," he said.

Once again Cas closed his eyes as his fingers were placed on my forehead. And yet nothing happened.

"Cas, whats going on?" Sam asked with worry in his voice.

Cas looked confused. "Dude, why isn't she waking up?!" Dean asked , this time.

"I-I don't know," Cas stammered. "It's like she's blocked."

"Blocked? What do you mean?"Sam asked.

Cas stood up. "I'm sorry Dean. I just can't get to her. It's like some force is holding her back."

"Listen here Cas. You've brought both Sam and I back from the dead for countless of times. You can freaking do it now!" Dean gritted.

"Which part of blocked don't you understand?" Cas asked.

Sam felt the tension between Dean and Cas. "Look guys. If Cas can't get her back then something is definitely wrong. And this means we don't have time to argue. We gotta act fast," Sam advised both Dean and Cas.

Dean gulped. "So what is this? Is there something wrong with your angel powers?"Dean continued.

"Like I said. There is another force in this hospital that is blocking me from her," Cas explained.

"Like what? A spirit? Or a ghost?" Sam asked.

Cas sighed. "That's what I don't know. I'm going to go around the hospital to see if I can find it."

"We'll help," Sam said, looking at Dean.

"I'll stay here," Dean said instead.

Sam nodded as he walked out with Cas.

It was quite surprising. Here they were talking about bringing me back and here I am standing; but they can't even see me. And what was blocking me? All those moments, I wanted to die but now I just wish I could wake up.

Dean dragged a chair to my bed and sat on it. "Liz," He begin. "I know you can hear me. I just wanna say I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier. I didn't mean to."

I stood next to Dean. "It's okay," I said. But he couldn't hear me.

"It's just that…" he trailed off, breaking down. "That I was supposed to protect you," he said in a shaky voice. "As the eldest among the three of us, that was my job; to look out for you. But I failed," he said, sobbing.

Seeing Dean cry made me feel so bad. That fact that I'm the cause of it stinged.

"I-I remember. When we first met. Sam and I were working on a Vetala case. And they had you captured. You were so scared," he said smiling amidst all the tears. "But when Sam freed you, you stabbed that Vetala like there was no tomorrow. I could see it then; what a strong person you were. It just never occurred to me that you were hurting so much on the inside. All those times when you went around cheering Sam and I. Even when Bobby died, you were the one that kept us going. Now that I think about it, it must have been hard for you; to go around with a smile plastered on your face and making us happy. I'm just so sorry," He said in between breaths.

My heart felt so heavy seeing Dean in this state. The pain and weakness making him look so fragile. I placed my hand on his shoulder. Even though he couldn't see or feel it. I said, "I'll be back. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

I left my ward searching for others like me. I couldn't have been the only patient in the hospital in a coma, right? So where are the other souls? I walked around the hospital, going floor by floor. I did enter a few rooms of some coma patients but like I said, their souls were nowhere to be seen. A t this time, the only thing I had in my head was to get back in my body and wake up; just to feel the warmth from Sam and Deans hugs. There had to be something or someone responsible for pulling my soul out. Even Sam said that the monitor begin to beep out of the blue and it clearly had nothing to do with my body because even the doctors are still trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

"Am I dead? Am I in heaven?" a lady in her sixties asked out loud. She was only a few feet away from me.

I looked around to see if anyone responded to her but no one did. I quickly ran towards her. "Miss, can you hear me?!" I asked.

But she looked pass me. "Of course; I'm blind not deaf," she said sarcastically. "Are you God? Will you make me see again?"

That explains. She's in a worst situation compared to me; she doesn't even know that she's still in the hospital. "Uh-No. I'm sorry Miss but you're not dead, well not yet," I said.

"But why not? Haven't I suffered enough?" She asked.

I ignored her question. "Let's just go to your room," I said, holding her by the hand. I was hesitant at first because did she still need my help to walk? I mean like she is just a soul like me. But then I realized that even her soul was blind.

She grunted as we searched for her room. Finally, we found it. Her name was Gertrude and she recently lost her eye sight after a surgery. "So, if we're not dead, what are we then?" She asked me.

Sadly, that was the thing that I wanted to find out. Souls can't just leave their body while they're alive. "I don't know," I answered.

She scoffed. "You know, just a few moments ago, I was wishing that I was dead. Whats the point of life when you can't see what you're living. God took away my husband, my children, my family and now my eyes. I was just wishing that I was dead. If I knew that nothing was going to change even when I died, I would have at least appreciated life," she explained.

Then it hit me. I wanted to die. I wished for this; just like Gertrude. We both asked for this. Maybe that's the sign, those who were suicidal became the targets. Discovering this, I quickly got up. "Gertrude, I'll be back. Just stay here," I said this and ran to my ward.

All three of them were there. "So that's why about nine patients including Liz entered a coma state at the exact time with no possible explanation," Sam said to Dean.

I guess they figured it out too.

"And you're saying that an angel did this? He's going after these souls?" Dean asked looking at Cas and Sam.

"That is the only reason I wouldn't be able to heal Liz. Angel on angel is not possible," Cas explained. "But I've found a way to summon him," Cas said holding up a duffel bag that he begin to unpack.

Seeing that the boys managed to figure things out reminded me of Gertrude. Maybe I can bring her back as well. I walked out of my room to Gertrudes. Entering it, there was no sign of her soul. It was just her body on the bed. That's when I realized that the monitor showed a straight line; no pulse. I was too late, Gertrude was gone; she was dead now.

**There you go, chapter 5 is up now! I wanna say thank you to piglet7722 for the reviews. I get discouraged very easily but your reviews are always keeping my spirit up. Once again thank you! **** Keep them coming ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

I was next. With Gertrude gone I was definitely going to be the next one to die. I ran back to my ward to see Sam and Dean preparing the things needed for the summoning ritual. My mind was just blank. In any minute now, I would be dead and there is no bringing me back.

Just as Sam and Dean were done, Cas starting reading out a few foreign words from a piece of paper in his hand. After the reading, he dropped Deans lighter into the bowl with the ingredients. In a blink of an eye, a black man in a robe, sitting on a rocking chair appeared in a puff of smoke.

He was reading the newspaper. "What took you so long?" he asked with his eyes still glued to the paper.

"Uriel?" Cas asked, furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief.

"The one and only," Uriel said.

Dean sighed. "Great, it had to be this son of a bitch," Dean said in anger.

Uriel folded the paper and looked up. Looking at my direction, he said, "Oh look! You're here already; just on time."

"You can see me?" I asked.

Uriel rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you see in these primitives," he said to Cas.

"She's here," Sam said, in realization.

Dean walked in front. "Listen here you dickhead, you're gonna bring Liz back and after that you're gonna let go of all the coma patients."

Uriel chuckled. "No can do."

Cas shook his head. "I don't understand. Why are you doing this? This is definitely not an order from heaven."

"Just a favour for the King of Hell," Uriel said, nonchalantly.

"You're working for Crowley?" Cas asked in disbelief.

"I did learn from the best," he said smirking.

"But heaven is open now. You can go home, Metatron is gone," Sam said.

"Over the time spent on earth, I've come to like this thing called _freewill_. Crowley needed more souls to strengthen his position after Abbadon and I thought why not."

"But you can't go around taking peoples souls!" Dean yelled.

"Oh no. You've got this all wrong. I'm not just taking them rather helping. It all depends on them," Uriel said.

"What do you mean? Sam asked in confusion.

"You're friend over here," he said looking at my direction, "Wanted this. She wanted to die. So I'm just helping her. It all depends on her will to live. If she wants to live, she'll wake up but if not, I'll take her."

"What are you talking about? Of course I want to live. So why aren't I waking up?" I asked.

"You're heart seems to be on a different page." Uriel looked at his watch. "It's time." He stretched out his arm at me.

Just then the monitor started to beep furiously. Dean ran towards Uriel but fell backwards. It was as if Uriel was surrounded by this invisible barricade.

Sam looked at my body and back into the air. "Liz! Just listen to me! We need you. You can't die now. You just can't. Just have the will to live. Please come back to us!" He yelled.

"I'm trying but nothing is happening! I want to live!" I screamed at them.

"Stop this Uriel! Now!" Cas ordered.

That's when I felt light weight. As if I was floating in midair. My eyes were blinded by some sort of light. I could still hear Sam and Dean's voices but it sounded like it was coming from a distance; I was just floating away; away from them. I didn't know what was happening but all I wanted was to live.


	7. Chapter 7

_One and a half-year's later_

I was in a garden; or rather _the _garden. That one place that I always go to when I'm asleep. It's been a year and a half ever since Sam and Dean found about my addiction to cutting and how I almost died. Things have changed between all three of us. They've been paying a lot of attention to me; or I could probably say too much of attention. It's like I don't have any time to myself by being constantly monitored. I'm just never left on my own but the only place where I actually do have some time for myself is when I sleep; and its always this garden.

Ever since my near death experience, every time I fall asleep, I'd end up in this garden. It's always the same old people running around and playing about. I talk to each and every person in the garden whenever I'm asleep. It's like my mind created this place as a way of helping me. There is always a family of four having a picnic at the far right of the garden; they're the McDuffs. There are benches painted in milky white in every corner of the garden. On one of it, there is always a man in raggedy clothes sleeping; his name is John Smith. I never really talk to him much because he scares me a little. And of course, on the other bench there is Alfie, in his Wiener Hut uniform of red and white stripes.

Over the time, I've come to the conclusion that each and every person in this garden is different sides of me. For example, the McDuff's is my dream of having a happy family and John Smith is that broken part of me. Alfie, is the part of me that wants to get better. He is always talking to me and asking on how my day went or even giving me an advice or two. Like I said, this garden is my own therapy session. I walked pass the McDuff's, wishing them a pleasant morning, as I walked towards Alfie.

"Good Morning, Liz," Alfie said with a bright smile, revealing his dimple.

"Morning," I said, taking a seat next to him.

We just sat there for a while, looking at the McDuff's enjoying themselves. Their children laughing and giggling all the way. "You know, I always picture what it would be like to have a family. Sometimes I would even plan conversations with them in my head," I said smiling at the sight of the McDuff's.

"What about Sam and Dean? Aren't they something like family?" Alfie asked.

I sighed. "They are. In fact they are more than family to me; they're my life. But sometimes I just can't help but feel a little left out. Because like it or not, Sam and Dean are brothers, they share the same blood and I'm just that lost girl trying to fit in."

"There's nothing wrong with trying to fit in as long as they accept you for who you are, you know," Alfie pointed out. "And you know better than anyone, on how much Sam and Dean cares for you. They've been looking after you; constantly checking up on you because to them, deep down inside, you are family."

"Sometimes, I'm amazed by myself. I mean like you're me and so technically I'm advising myself," I thought out loud.

Alfie leaned in closer. "Now the important question here is that am I helping you?"

I thought about it. "Actually, yeah. No matter how hard Sam and Dean try to get me to open up to them, I still feel like I'm a burden. Sure they are there for me but when stuff happens, things regarding myself, my demons and battles, I just feel so alone. And I just can't tell anyone, not even Sam and Dean about it. I just can't and that frustrates me a lot. It's like why can't I just be like a normal person and talk about my problems to them; I can't even do that," I said, tearing up.

Alfie placed his hands around my shoulder and pulled me closer till my head was lying on his right shoulder.

"I mean they'll probably listen," I continued. "But they…they just don't know everything. There's just some things I can't share and sometimes it kills me from the inside. Bottling things up and putting on that mask. The only place that I can talk about my problem is at this place. Of course I'm probably talking to myself right now. But I'm just so broken that it doesn't matter. As long as I have someone to comfort me you know."

Alfie kept rubbing my right arm in comfort. "It's okay. I'll always be here for you."

That's when Dean's voice broke through the sky in the garden. "Liz, wake up."

"Oh look, you're waking up," Alfie pointed out.

I grunted. "Already?" It just felt like time passed so fast.

"Just go on. I'll still be here waiting for you," Alfie said smiling.

I closed my eyes and opened it to find Dean bouncing on my bed like an eight year old.

"Rise and shine Liz!" He kept yelling.

I groaned. "Fine! Stop bouncing already."

Of course my relationship with them remained the same. They try to avoid my self harm addiction but like I said; I'm constantly being monitored. But they still joke around with me and try their best to make me feel comfortable.

Dean stood up. "Sam managed to track that goddamn demon slicing those ladies so chop, chop," he said clapping his hands and leaving my room.

My heart was pounding so hard I could literally hear it in the silence of the warehouse. Earlier Sam, Dean and I scattered around to search for this demon. I've been hunting for years but I have to admit that it still gets to me.

That's when I heard the sound of tables falling off. I ran towards the direction of the sound to find the vessel that the demon had possessed holding Dean by the neck while it had Sam pinned to the wall. I knew what the protocol for this was: run. Sam and Dean had told me that if both of them were ever kept down in a hunt, then I should just run because that means things aren't safe anymore. But looking at them now, I couldn't just leave them.

I ran towards the demon and tackled him to the floor. Sam yelled. "No Liz! Just get away! Run!"

But I was struggling with the demon who had already thrown Dean across the room. In a blink of an eye, the demon snatched my anti-possession chain. Unlike Sam and Dean, I never had one tattooed. In a second, I felt the demon entering my body and taking control.

Dean ran towards me but stopped when the demon used my hand and place it at my abdomen; threatening to slice it up. Even though I wasn't in control of my body, I could hear the panic in Dean's voice. "Just let her go. She's got nothing to do with this," he tried negotiating.

The demon chuckled using my voice. "That gives me more reasons to just do it."

I tried to take control. Blocking the demon from my mind. That's when I heard Alfie's voice in my head.

_Just focus on my voice. Listen to it._

I did as the voice told me to; knowing that it was just myself telling me what to do. In a matter of seconds, the demon screamed. "No! What?! How is she doing this?!" I forced it out of myself as I focused on Alfie's voice; causing the demon to enter the vessel it had used earlier.

Dean looked startled but quickly let it pass as he exorcised the demon. We were just quiet as the poor vessel woke up. Sam helped him up and we entered the impala. After dropping the boy off, I was expecting Dean to burst out on me but he didn't. And I knew exactly why; because he was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle it. This is one of the reasons why I never told them about my self harm addiction because I knew that they would pity me.

As we pulled out at the bunker, I asked, " Can I take her for a ride?"

Sam and Dean shared a look. That's when Dean said, "Why don't I go with you?"

That's it! I just want some space for myself! "Look guys, I'm not going to do anything! Why can't you just trust me?"

Sam's jaw tightened. "Okay, but only for twenty minutes, then back here," he, warned.

I nodded, got in the impala and drove away. Finally! This was the first time that I had ever been alone after my near death experience. And I knew exactly what I had to do; I was going to cut. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to kill myself, no. I just couldn't let go of everything that happened in the warehouse. I messed things up again but Sam and Dean just kept mum about it.

I opened the dashboard and took Dean's pocket knife out. Of course I couldn't cut in places that I used to because Sam always does this inspection thing with me before I go to sleep and after showering. I still had two places that he would never check. So I zipped down my jeans and embraced myself for this one cut. One and a half years of not cutting and finally I'm about to do it again.

Just as I was about to cut, I heard a familiar voice. "Put that knife down."

I turned to the passenger seat. "Alfie!"

**FINALLY! I CAN UPDATE THIS STORY!**

**Anyways, thanks to those who followed, favourite and reviewed it the last time!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Put it down, now," he ordered.

I looked at him in confusion. This was just bizarre. He is me so how in the world can he even be out here? Were things that bad that I'm starting to hallucinate? I was just frozen with my mouth agape; trying to come up with an explanation for this. I quickly gripped his hand to see if it was real which it definitely was. "But you're …me." I thought out loud.

"Not exactly," he said.

Then it occurred to me that it could possibly be a demon or just some freaking shifter. So I bolted out of the car with Dean's silver knife in my hand.

"Who are you and what the hell do you want from me?" I demanded to know.

Alfie looked a little shocked. If I didn't know him better, I would say he was _hurt. _Alfie got out of the car. "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want you to put that knife away," he said sincerely.

I snickered. "You can't fool me like that. Leave before I do something you'll regret," I threatened. I was starting to think that this was just a bad idea. I shouldn't have wanted to cut or else I would have allowed Dean to come with me; then at least this will be two against one.

_But it's me_

That was in my head. He actually spoke in my freaking head! I started to panic because I didn't know how to differentiate the voice in my head and from the shifter or whatever it was. "G-Get out of my head!" I yelled, stammering. What kind of creature was this? Then it hit me! What if he has been in my head for a long time? All those times I went to sleep and entered the garden. What if that was him?

"That was me," he said, replying to my thoughts.

One and a half years. I've been talking to a complete stranger or creature for one and a half years. God knows what he actually wants from me. I then got angry. How could he or it just go wandering around in my head? Wasn't it enough that Sam and Dean were already constantly behind me. I felt so trapped. All those times I kept comforting myself that the only place I had to myself was my head and now even that wasn't true anymore.

Fueled by anger, I lunged at Alfie with Dean's knife. I tried to push him to the ground but he was fast as lightning. He avoided my attack causing me to lose balance. But before I could fall down, his hand gripped my left and pulled me towards him. I was only a few inches away from his chest as he restricted me from any further movements.

In a blink of an eye, we were standing outside of the bunker in the same position. One minute we were at the side of the road and now we were here; with the impala. My eyes widened at the sight as I kept looking at the door to the bunker and back at Alfie. He knew where the bunker was because he had been in my head. How could I have been this careless; revealing the location of the bunker? But what did he actually just do? How did he do it? The only person who has actually been able to do something like that so far was Cas. Does that make him an…?

Before I could bombard him with questions, Alfie vanished into thin air. I looked around me but he wasn't in sight. No way am I going to let him go after what just happened. I mean, he was in my head! I felt so violated. "Alfie! Come back!" I yelled into the open air. But nothing happened.

After one and a half years of strolling in my head, the only time he decided to show himself to me was when I was about to relapse. Which meant that he may come back if I cut myself again. I stretched out my left hand. By this time, I didn't care if Sam might come across this cut during his inspection. All I wanted was an explanation. Why was Alfie in my head? What did he want from me? Just as I was about to cut, Alfie appeared. "Just tell me…" I trailed off as he grabbed the pen knife from me and vanished again.

But I wasn't going to let him get away. I want answers; I need them. I just feel so betrayed and it's like my entire life after my near death experience was a lie. God knows who the others in the garden were. That's it! The garden! I might see Alfie in the garden when I fall asleep. So all I have to do now is sleep. I ran to the door of the bunker. Entering, I could hear Sam and Dean's voice coming from the kitchen.

"She forced a demon out, Dean. Don't you think we're supposed to be doing something about this?" Sam asked.

"Oh like what? 'Hey Liz, how'd you get rid of that demon just now'?" Dean said sarcastically.

That reminded me. Alfie was the one who helped me when I got possessed earlier. In fact, he actually _stopped _me from relapsing today. He helped me continue to staying clean. But that still doesn't change the fact that he has been snooping around my head and lying to me.

"Actually, yes, Dean. Aren't you the least bit worried about her?" Sam fought back.

Dean snorted. "Worried? What the hell, Sam? Does a day even go by without any of us worrying about her? How could you even ask that? In fact, the reason I'm not saying anything about this is because I'm worried about her. She was literally possessed, Sam. God knows how she is feeling right now!"

"Exactly-" Sam stopped halfway at the sight of me.

I felt really bad that they were fighting about me. Why can't I just be a normal person and let things be? But no, I had to disobey Sam and Dean and fight the demon myself. And look what I've done now. Coming in between the two of them, beefing up against each other. I tried to ignore them and push this feeling aside. Right now my mission was to fall asleep. All I had in my mind was Alfie; recalling every single thing I said to him over the past year; thinking that he was actually me.

"Liz," Dean called out.

I ran pass them towards my room. "Save it. I just want to go to sleep," I said quickly. I didn't care about the suspicion that my reaction gave them because all I wanted to do was talk to Alfie and just get him out of my head, my mind and my entire body.

Sam came after me. "Not so fast," he said, holding me back from the elbow. "I've got to check."

I rolled my eyes. "Sam, I didn't do anything today," I said, sighing. "Can we just skip it? Please? I just want to go to sleep."

Sam pursed his lips, forming it into a thin line. "You know I can't do that."

"Whatever," I muttered as I entered my room, followed by Sam. He then closed the door while I took my shirt and jeans off; standing in only my bra and panties. He took my left arm and ran his fingers down my scars; examining the arm from all sorts of angles. He did the same for my other arm and legs; making sure that there weren't any new cuts.

I'm not going to deny that Sam's 'inspections' do actually make me feel insecure at times. These scars are a reminder of all the bad days I've had and they are here to stay forever. No matter how much I fake the happiness in me, these scars are here to tell me otherwise. After Sam was done, I slipped into an oversized tshirt together with shorts and quickly got under my covers; ready to fall asleep.

Sam stood at my door. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, why?" I lied. I can't imagine what would happen if I told them about this whole Alfie issue.

"It's only nine o clock. You never sleep at this time."

"I'm just tired. That's all," I said.

Sam hesitated stepping out. He turned to look at me and walked towards my bed. Sitting at the edge, he said, "Look, I know that for this past year Dean and I have been a little overprotective."

I snorted. "A little?"

Sam's eyebrows shot up. "Okay, so maybe too protective. But I don't want you to feel trapped or restricted around us. We're only doing this-"

"Because you guys care," I finished for him. "Yeah, I get it."

Sam licked his lips. "It's not just that. Call us selfish but last year when you were lying in the hospital, unconscious, were the worst days of our lives. The sight of you fainting in front of me and all of that blood…" he trailed off, gulping and recollecting himself. "Please, don't put me through that, ever. Not even Dean. I know it seems that he has pushed it aside but I'm sure deep down, you know that he cares. You're family. In fact, you're the only remaining family we have. And about today, Dean and I are not mad at all. You did something that either one of us would have done. So don't beat yourself up about it."

"Thanks, Sam," I said, smiling. Though, I was wondering, was I that easy to read? Even I've learned my lesson; life is not a game but that doesn't mean I can stop cutting. What Sam and Dean will never understand is that there is emptiness in me. I've gotten so used to the pain that every time I'm sad, all I ever feel is numb. It's like I can't even cry or smile. There is this void in me; demanding to be filled. But when I cut, when that skin around the cut puffs allowing the blood to soothe its way out, a wave of relieve washes over me. Cutting is a part of me and letting go is not even an option. For now, the craving is dormant. It's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen so that I can breakdown and relapse. But seeing what I've put Sam and Dean through, I guess all I can ever do is keep this in me. They will never truly understand or know the real me; it's not even their fault.

Sam smiled back. "If you ever need anyone to talk to, you know that we're always here for you."

I nodded as Sam placed a kiss on my forehead; switching off the light and leaving my room.

Now. It was time to deal with Alfie. I closed my eyes and laid my head on my pillow. While waiting for sleep to take over, I ended up going through memory lane. All I remember is telling everything to Alfie; how I felt, what was really going on in my mind and what was troubling me. There were literally no lies and all of this is because I thought that Alfie was a part of me that wanted to get better. But who was I kidding. There is no getting better. I then started to feel myself slip away, drifting.

**I just wanna say THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCHHH for the favourites, follows and especially the reviews! It's really nice to see that you guys are enjoying how the story is going. And thank you to whoever that gave the anonymous review on giving insights to the characters. These kind of reviews are always welcomed because they would definitely help me get better in writing. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**


	9. Chapter 9

I opened my eyes to find myself in the garden. So it was still here but this wasn't actually my dream. Just as usual, the McDuffs were there along with John Smith; but there was no sight of Alfie. Looking at these people, it dawned to me that they could also be like Alfie; creatures that are lurking in my head for no apparent reason. This time I'm in charge because they don't know that I have discovered this secret. Or did they? If Alfie was able to read my mind, did that mean they can too? I mean like they are literally sitting in my mind having teas and biscuits for god's sake!

I rushed to the McDuffs. "Stop the act and tell me what you want from me?!" I demanded, looking at all four of them. I didn't care that the children were there as well because they could have been part of this. The anger rushing through my veins were just boiling as the seconds passed. I didn't know whether to cry or not because of how I felt. It was all lie; all this time I thought that I was retreating to my conscience but it was these people invading my mind. Maybe they were some sort of creature planning an attack on hunters or even Sam and Dean. They needed information about the bunker so they decided to invade the weakest link; which was me. I was just carless for letting them through. How could I have actually done this? Endangering the lives of Sam and Dean? Not wanting to think further, I asked again. "Just tell me!" I screamed, feeling my eyes water up.

Mrs. McDuff held her two children against her body; comforting them but still not answering me. I shifted my gaze to Mr. McDuff who was only looking at me in confusion. I just don't get it? I know that they are not part of me so why can't they just tell me what they want? Why aren't they giving me the answers I need to know? Don't I, at least, have the right to know? I bent down, holding Mr. McDuff by the shoulder. "Tell me, please," I pleaded this time, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek. But he continued to stare at me.

I ran to the bench that John Smith was sleeping on, giving up on the McDuffs. "Stop pretending to be asleep and tell me who you are or what you want; just tell me something!"

Not a single movement from John Smith. It was as if he wasn't even alive. If it wasn't for his chest heaving up and down, I would have considered him dead. But if he wasn't dead, why wasn't he answering? Did they think that I was just going to let them be? Just allow them to roam in my head and suck every information out of me? Unable to control myself, I started to give John Smith a rough shake, trying to wake him up. "Just wake up and tell me!" I yelled while shaking him, but I was at not luck.

I could feel my head spinning and pounding. Even the sun started giving me a migraine. It was as if everything around me decided to get louder. I could hear the McDuffs children giggling and even John Smith snoring. I kept looking at both of them, thinking how was I going to get to the bottom of this? "Get out!" I yelled. "Just get out! Please! Leave me alone!"

I was running towards the McDuffs when I fell in the middle of the garden. Everything was just so loud that I couldn't take it anymore. I brought my hands to my ears in an attempt of blocking the sound as I was squatting on the grass. "Get out! Get out! Get out!" I continued screaming despite the pain in my head.

After for what seemed an eternity, I felt the pain in my head at ease. I was still muttering, "Get out. Just …get…out." While tears covered my entire face. As the pain went away, I opened my eyes that felt soar. I could feel the tears dried up on my face, restricting facial movement. My throat felt dry and course due to all the screaming I did. That's when I felt two arms pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Liz," the person hugging me said.

It took me a while to recognize that voice. It was Alfie! I looked up to confirm my thoughts. It was him alright, in his weiner hut uniform. I pushed him back with my both my palms that was on his chest a few seconds ago; and retreated backwards. I realized that we were no longer in the garden but near a large waterfall. I wasn't surprised though. After all the crying, I've finally accepted the fact that I was their puppet; their slave.

"Don't say that," Alfie said, with sadness in his voice. "You're not either one."

I looked at him in confusion until I realized that he was replying to my thoughts. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. "Leave me alone," I said in shaky voice. It was like all the energy in me had been drained. I didn't care that Alfie was seeing this weak side of me. I didn't bother why he was in my head. All I wanted was to be alone. So that I can just cry. All I ever wanted was some answers but I can't even get that. No wonder I'm just a useless person.

"My name is Samandriel. I'm an angel of the lord."

An angel. He was a goddamn freaking angel. I gave out a fed up laugh. After facing and fighting angels over and over again with Sam and Dean, there is only one important thing about angels; it's that their douche bags. I should have known. These angels have been after Sam and Dean since the dawn of time, so that's why they invaded my mind; to get to Sam and Dean for another one of their stupid prophecies.

"You're wrong. This has nothing to do with the other angels," Alfie or Samandriel explained "One and a half years ago, on November the tenth, 2:59 in the morning; I was assigned as your guardian angel."

"My what? Assigned by whom?"

"By Castiel."

It was all clear now. November tenth was the date I managed to wake up from the coma Uriel had put me under. "Wait a minute. You're telling me that Castiel put you in charge of being my guardian angel?" I asked. Before he could answer, another thought came to me. "No. Wait. You were assigned to make sure that I don't cut again, weren't you?" That made perfect sense. Why he appeared only when I was about to relapse.

"Yes."

That's it! It wasn't just Sam and Dean who were after my back; even Castiel had a part to play by assigning this angel to look after me. How could he do this? Invading my privacy without my permission; going after me as if I was an outlaw.

"But it's not like that-"

I rushed at Samandriel, cutting him off. This time he didn't do any smart ass tricks. I shoved against his chest; hammering him with my fist until my hands began to throb. Letting out every single anger and hatred running through me. All those times I came running to that garden of comfort and pouring my feelings out about how trapped I felt only to find out that this was not different from it at all. Fresh tears stained his uniform as I kept punching like there was no tomorrow. Everything that ever went wrong in my life began to playback.

Samandriel wasn't reacting at all. He was just waiting for me to release it all out like he was a punching bag. "Done?" he asked, after a while.

"No!" I screamed, punching even harder, speeding up. "You! Lied! To! Me!" I said with every punch I landed on his chest. Then my arms begun to feel tired and soar, I couldn't even force them to do as I pleased.

Samandriel then held me by both my wrists. "I know how betrayed you feel."

"No! You don't! You don't know anything about me!"

He curled his lips. "I know you more than you know yourself," he said sternly. "I know everything about you, Elizabeth. Beginning from the time you were born until this very moment. I know how broken you are on the inside. I know how you fake a smile every day. I know how you wake up in the morning and wished that you were dead. I know how you skip all your meals and feel accomplished at that. I know how tired you are of life. I know how hurt you are when you think about your parents. I know how empty you feel every day. I know how cry yourself to sleep. I know how you think about cutting every day. I know how lonely you feel despite being surrounded by Sam and Dean. Most of all, I know how all you ever want is for someone to understand you; to feel what you feel."

I didn't know what to do, what to think or to feel. All those times I couldn't even describe how I felt to Sam and Dean and Samandriel was able to put them in words. He even knew about my eating disorder that no one had realized about so far. That's it. He knew everything about me. Letting my hands slip away from his grip, I just stared at the stripes of his uniform. He knew how I felt about everything; I didn't have to put up an act or pretend to be strong anymore because Samandriel was able to see right through me. I broke down at the thought of it all.

Samandriel held my chin, leveling me to his face. "All I ever want is for you to be happy. I can't stand seeing you cry like this."

"B-but why do you c-care," I asked in between sobs. "You're an a-angel. A-angels are d-douche bags."

"I know. I'm an angel, my job is to obey my orders from my superiors. I'm not supposed to feel much, emotionally. When Castiel first gave me this job, I thought it was only going to involve keeping you out of harm's way. But then I found out about your self-harm addiction. I was curious at first; wondering why would a person mutilate their own body? A beautiful creation of God," he said, sincerely. "That's when I begun to feel your emotions. I felt the pain and burden you've been living with all your life. Blaming yourself for never being good enough that you were abandoned by your parents. The lonely childhood you had in the orphanage. Of course you never showed that you were sad but you would always question yourself; why doesn't anyone like me? How you look in the mirror and hate every inch of your body.

"I wanted to help you. I couldn't believe that you were holding in this much of pain. So I created that garden from one of my own memories. I knew how you would never talk to anyone about your problems so I made you think that I was you. That way you wouldn't bottle things up. But when I saw you with that knife today, I didn't know what to do. If I revealed myself, things between us would never be the same. But I couldn't just let you relapse. After taking that knife from you, I disconnected my bond with you for a while. I was trying to think of a way to explain everything to you. When I came back, I saw you crying in the middle of the field.

"And I'm so sorry for leaving when I promised to be here. Sometimes, I forget that I'm not human. I've spend so much of time with you and in you that at times I consider myself human. Because of you, I'm able to see what Castiel sees in humans. I used to think that too much heart was Castiel's problem. But after meeting you, I can perfectly see everything. Now it's my turn to help you, protect you."

I circled Samandriel's neck with both my arms as I placed my head on his chest. It was the first time in my life that I had actually felt at peace. I felt like some sort weight had been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I was happy.

**So yay! Now we officially have Samandriel as a character here! Tbh I wish he was still alive on SPN :'( Anyways, thank you for the follow, favourite and review! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. **

**P.S I won't be updating as frequent as I do know. I'll only update every Friday starting from this week due to my classes and stuff.**


	10. Chapter 10

Sam turned around from his seat; pointing outside. Following his gaze, I looked out the window of the impala. My eyes widened in excitement. "A Carnival!" I exclaimed, taking my earphones out, allowing the bright lights of the Ferris wheel to control my eyes. This brought back a lot of memories of my childhood. I used to sneak in to a carnival every year near the orphanage and just walk around. I didn't have money to buy anything but that didn't bother me. The main reason I went there was because of how kind the people were at that place. Even though they were a whole lot older than me, I considered them my friends. In a way, it made me feel like I fit in well.

"We can go now, if you want to?" Dean asked, attracting my attention.

I looked at Dean through the rearview mirror who was smiling, looking back.

We were only three hours away from the bunker and it had been quite a hunt earlier. But I didn't want to seem spoiled. "You guys are tired, so it's okay. Maybe some other time," I said, pushing it off with a wave.

"Me? Tired? It's gonna take more than a hunt to make me tired, Liz. Come on, let's go. I know you want to," Dean said, seeing right through me.

Sam laughed. "Yeah, we all know that nothing comes between you and a carnival. Say, you guys can actually get down here and I'll just go to the bunker. Call me once you've enjoyed your hearts out," he suggested.

"Still scared of clowns, eh Sammy?" Dean asked jokingly, making funny faces at me through the mirror.

Sam rolled his eyes. "I'm not _scared. _I'm just not _fond_ of them," he denied. "You know, just like how you are not _fond _of flying." Sam did inverted comas in the air.

"Point taken," Dean said, giving in.

I snickered at the back causing both of them to laugh. And there we were, like a bunch of yahoos laughing in the impala because we were actually happy; for real. These were one of those times when I felt like a kid again. It was like Sam and Dean were giving me another chance to relive my childhood. I have to admit that they made me feel like I was their younger sister. I know that Sam and Dean are always saying that I am family and family doesn't end with blood but sometimes facts are facts, right? No matter what they say, biologically I'm not even close to family. But it's these little things they do for me that make me feel part of their family.

Just as usual, there was some form of negativity in me. So far, this week has been going fine for me. I didn't mess up any hunts, Sam and Dean didn't bicker about anything, and even Alfie and I were doing fine. Of course I was still trying to get used to the fact that I'm not the only one in my head at the moment; in a way I don't feel very burdened anymore. It's like I'm carrying one side of the problem and Alfie is carrying the other side. Things are just too good that I'm preparing myself for the worst. Something bad is going to happen, I just don't know when.

The impala came to halt at a few feet away from the entrance of the carnival. I stepped out at the same time as Dean. Stretching out, I looked further in the carnival. The lights were so bright and colourful at night. The sound of laughter filling the air brought goosebumps. My mind went back to all those times the nuns would come to the carnival searching frantically for me. Sometimes I wonder why did they even care? Wasn't it better? One less mouth to feed? I would have loved to work in a carnival or just stay there.

"Let's go," Dean said, bringing me back to the present.

I turned to wave at Sam. As we entered, I could smell the sweetness of cotton candy in the air. Both Dean and I sniffed it at the same time. We looked at each other with our eyes widened; and goofy grins all over our faces. "Do you smell that?!" I asked excitingly, jumping while holding unto Dean's arm.

"I do! I do!" Dean said in a squeaky voice, imitating my voice and jumping enthusiastically. Bu I knew he was being sarcastic.

I smiled, rolling my eyes at his childishness. "I'm serious Dean! It's definitely cotton candy; no doubt."

"You're craving sugar, Liz. That's not good," Dean said while walking forward.

"Says the man who gobbles down meat like there's no tomorrow."

Dean scoffed. "Woah. Sugar and meat, huge difference."

"You seriously don't want to start a debate with me," I warned him while crossing my arms.

Dean squinted in defeat and stuck out his tongue at me. "Let's find this cotton candy, eh?" he asked, smiling.

I nodded. Dean and I both knew that there wasn't anything special about the cotton candy that we were able to smell from the entrance. It was just like any ordinary cotton candy; we could tell. But cotton candy has always been my favourite treat whenever I'm at a carnival. I still remember the first carnival I ever snuck into.

_Flashback_

"_Who wants to say grace today?" Sister Judith asked while we held each other's hand at the dinner table._

_There were around fifteen children of different age seated. It was only seven o' clock; one hour before bed time. The seats both on my left and right were empty (just as usual) while the other children were sharing seats. _

"_Anne, are you comfortable sharing that seat with Joan?" Sister Eunice asked. "You can always sit next to Elizabeth," she suggested._

_I was looking down at my bowl of mushroom soup but I sneaked a peak at Anne and Joan who were both two years older than me; I was twelve at that time. I could see how their eyes widened at the suggestion._

"_I'm fine here," Anne said, sighing in relief._

_I looked up from my bowl and flashed a smile at Sister Eunice for her effort of getting someone to sit next to me. I was quite used to it but it did sting. I never really knew why no one ever liked me but I tried my best to pretend to go unaffected. It took quite a lot to be thick skin; to walk around pretending that I preferred to be alone while the truth was that it killed me from the inside. But there was something good that came out of it. Spending a lot of time with me and my mind made me realize certain habits of mine and in a way I became too matured for my age. It's like I grew up too fast._

"_Why don't you try, Elizabeth," Sister Judith said._

_Unlike the other children who would usually whine when they are appointed, I nodded. "Let's pray," I said while closing my eyes and stretching a little to reach the hands of the other children who were one seat away. "Heavenly father who art in heaven, thank you for gathering us here on this wonderful day. Thank you for the food that you have given to us. I pray that you will continue to bless us in many ways to come. In your name, we ask and pray. Amen," I ended._

_The others followed along. I opened my eyes to find them staring at me like I was a freak. I knew that for a 12 year old, my prayer should have sounded very simple and childish just like how the others would normally say. I took pride in the fact that I had just impressed them. It's like they knew that I was a loner but not a blur, shy one; but actually someone who knew what they were doing._

_After dinner, I went straight to my room. On the way, I passed by Anne and Joan's room. _

"_What do you think happened to her parents?" I heard Joan's voice, asking._

"_They left her, if I'm not mistaken."_

_Joan snorted. "Of course. Even her parents couldn't stand her."_

"_She's just one of those weird freaks who will soon grow up to be a psychotic serial killer...and become Chucky!" Anne said giggling with Joan. I could hear the springs of the bed so I assumed they were jumping on their beds._

_I tried to push their conversation to the back of my head and walked to my room. Entering it, I gave the empty bed a glance. I didn't have a roommate but I never really did anything to the bed. I guess a little part of me had hopes that things would change. I switched on the fan and stood next to the light switch, ready to spring unto my bed just as I switched it off. I was afraid of the dark or rather what was in it._

_Getting under the covers, I looked out of my window. It was the colourful ferris wheel. I knew it was the carnival that has been here for more than a week now. I've been looking at it every night before going to sleep. It was the only thing in the sky. Just like me, the ferris wheel was all alone in the sky and yet it looked beautiful; like it was happy. Just then, a thought came to me. I wanted to look at it up close. _

_I knew what the real reason was. Anne and Joan's words were still in my head and I just wanted to do something to get my mind off it. So I took my flashlight and climbed down through my window. Thankfully, my room was situated on the ground floor of the orphanage. _

_I will never forget the feeling when I first entered the carnival. The place was crowded but it was filled with laughter. And they were all sorts of people there, different people; different like me. I walked to a bunch of children who were surrounding a clown. He was blowing balloons and shaping them; giving them to some of the children. After a few minutes, the children left with their parents and I was the only one who was with the clown._

_He turned to look at me. "Hey little kid. You want another balloon?"_

_I shook my head. I was happy with one lion shaped balloon. "No."_

_The clown frowned in confusion. "Where are your parents, kid?"_

_I shrugged. I've been asking myself this question for a long time never got an answer._

"_You must be lost. It's okay, don't be afraid," he said when I hesitated to take his hand that he had offered. "I'm your friend," he said._

_My first friend. He was definitely older than me but he was still my friend. I smiled at that thought and place my hand in his. We walked around the carnival for around thirty minutes. He kept asking me if I saw my parents anywhere as we walked. But of course they weren't there. He brought me to a stall that was covered with fluffy pink and blue clouds. _

"_Jeff, we've got a missing kid here," the clown said to the guy who was in charge of this stall._

_The guy looked at me and smiled at my fascination of the fluffy clouds. "You want one?" he asked me, causing the clown to look at me and smile._

_I nodded. The clown took a blue one and handed it to me. I didn't know what to do with it. It was just really pretty. Seeing how blur I was, the clown tore one part of it. "They're called cotton candy. This is how you eat them," he said, demonstrating. He placed it on his tongue and showed how it magically disappeared._

_I did the same and boy was it sweet. I was more interested with how it vanished so quickly. I followed the clown for the rest of the night as he made announcements of a missing child. Then from a distance, I could hear Sister Judith's voice and I knew that it was over. She talked to the clown. He bent down to my level. "I had fun. Did you?"_

_I nodded but I didn't say anything because I knew that it was time to go._

"_We'll be back next year. You can always swing by and we can hangout," the clown said, brushing his finger on my cheek._

_My heart raced at his suggestion. He actually wanted to hangout with me. I smiled at it. "Bye," I said as Sister Judith grabbed my hand roughly; yanking me behind her._

_I looked back at the clown who was waving at me. That was it. A few hours of joy and happiness; gone with the wind. Just like a cotton candy._

"We should come to carnivals more often," Dean said, bringing back to reality.

We had found the stall and purchased two sticks of blue cotton candy. Now we were just seated on the bench looking at the starry sky. "I know. This is just too sweet, "I said savouring the sugar that melted in my mouth.

"No. Not for the cotton candy."

I looked at Dean in confusion.

"You're happy," he said. "I'm sure you know it too."

He was right but it wasn't because of the carnival only. Everything played a part. But like I said earlier, things were going too well that I was just waiting for something to mess it up.

"And I wish that I could see this smile on your face every day," he continued. "There was a time that you had that smile on but it was just a mask. But tonight," he trailed off, just looking at me, his eyes traveling all across my face. "Tonight, it's real. I wish I was able to make you happy like this every day."

I didn't know what to say so I tried to stay away from the topic. "That's the sugar talking," I said tearing a piece off his cotton candy and holding it above his mouth. I was waiting for him to open his mouth but instead he grabbed my wrist and looked me straight in the eyes.

"But I'm not lying. I just wish time would just stop here and keep you happy. And I'd do anything to be the reason behind that smile."

Just then my stomach grumbled. Dean's eyes widened. "Woah, someone's hungry."

I was thankful that my stomach grumbled, distracting Dean but it also meant that Dean was going to make me eat something heavy now. I was okay with just snacking on the cotton candy. I was quite proud of myself for actually not eating for the entire day. I knew that there was no use in lying to Dean.

"Hot dog?" he asked in suggestion.

I just nodded because right now, I would eat anything that came in my way. That's how hungry I was. Dean ate the cotton candy that was still in my hand and got on his feet, rubbing his hands on his leather jacket. We headed to one of the hot dog stalls that we had passed by earlier.

Approaching it, I saw a very familiar figure behind the grill. He then turned around. "How may I help you?"

"Alfie?!" I asked out loud, forgetting that Dean was next to me.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows. "You know him?"

**So heres an update just like I promised on Friday :) Just wanted to show what kind of environment Liz grew up in. Oh and that clown is COUGHSOMEONECOUGHSHECOUGHKNOWSCOUGH just wanted to put that out there. ;) oh and thank you Dean's Bakery! At least I have a name to thank to now and stay strong :) Don't forget to favourite, follow and review…Till next friday**


End file.
